Thursday, September 23, 2010

HNT - Bathtime

I love bath time.  I have such a great view of the city (you can't tell but the sky line of my city is right out that window).  I often wonder if anyone tried, if they could see me.......

Happy HNT - Go share the love at Osbasso's place

Thursday, September 16, 2010

HNT - Thighs

I have meant to post here a hundred times in the last couple of weeks and time just seems to get away from me.

I spent a very lovely Tuesday with my PC.  Several hours of him in my bed was just what the doctor ordered.

This is from my phone so isn't the greatest quality photo...but definitely gives you an idea of the bruises he left on me.

My legs hurt so bad.  As does my ass.  But that white shirt I'm wearing.....smells like him.....and that's a little piece of heaven.

Our relationship continues to be pieces of ups and downs and ups and downs.  I'm still convinced that I'm happier and better off on this roller coaster than off of it.  So I stay on and live for the ups.

Happy HNT y'all!  Go see who else is playing over at Osbasso's place.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

HNT - Veggies

My PC requested a I shoot him a private video staring me...and this.......

I never let him down!

Go see Osbasso to see who else is getting nekkid this week!

Happy HNT yall!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

HNT - Bruised

I've really been struggling heart is bruised.  There's lots that goes into that.  Some things I can control.  Other things I cannot.
PC's been ridiculously patient with me.....which I can't explain at all except that he must love me.

A big part of my struggle has been feeling alone.... feeling insecure.... feeling like I having nothing grounding me to reality.

This picture is not super recent..... but I love it because it reminds me of how easy it is to reverse all of that.

How easy it is to feel like I am his....I am owned......and loved......and desired.....

Often I want to be held and petted and kissed and cooed makes me feel loved and taken care of and tiny.

But when PC takes me.....possesses me.......marks me as his......I am at peace.

I need more of this.....especially when I'm struggling.....

That's when I most need to have the control and decisions taken away from me.

When my heart is bruised.....bruising my body is a great first step in healing my heart.



Wednesday, August 11, 2010

HNT - Neck

Is it really Thursday already?  Dang!!!!

I have never given much thought to my neck.  But my PC sure does. 

His lips quickly and effortlessly find it each time I see him
In a moment of passion his teeth will nip at the tender skin
In a moment of possession his hand will grip it

I've never thought much about my neck.......but I get weak in the knees when my man shows it some attention.

Happy HNT yall!  Go see who else is playing at Osbasso's site.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

HNT - From the Past

So Tuesday turned out to be not quite as awful as I'd thought it was going to be.

My PC went, it seems, out of his way to see to it.  I got to spend a very fast 30 minutes with him, in which I got exactly what I wanted and am still slightly sore from it.  Then I got about 2 hours on the phone with him, which is a VERY rare thing in the last 5 months.

He's out of town now with no cell service I presume.  And even if he has cell service, it wouldn't seem right for him to stop in the middle of his fishing trip to check on me.  He deserves some time away for just him.  And I hope he is enjoying it immensely!

My HNT pic today is the first pic my PC ever saw of me.  I will forever love this picture because it is what caused  him to contact me the first time and started the most beautiful of relationships!  It's not always an easy relationship, but I have never been more sure that I belong with someone.

Happy HNT Yall!  Go check in with the King of HNT and see who else is playing today.


Monday, August 2, 2010


Feeling a bit down today
All weekend actually
This is a hard week of the year for me.

Tomorrow it will have been 11 years, and when I allow myself to relive those moments in my mind, it feels like it happened yesterday.

My heart beats too fast
I can feel the adreneline pumping through my veins
My eyes tear up before I even realize it

Walking through the door and hearing the words
Crumbling to the floor in a mess of sobs
Packing my bag without really knowing what I'm putting in it
Driving through the night
Walking into the too brightly lit hospital
Later walking into the too dark and too quiet house
Somehow fumbling through the worst week of my life

My heart still aches
Even 11 years later

And this year I add the additional pain
Of PC's wedding anniversary falling on the same day
It seems harder this year than last year for sure

So a sad
down week
for me


Friday, July 30, 2010

Interesting Twist

PC and I have talked for a long time now about trying something new.  I have more and more begun to want to have an experience with another girl.  But I want my PC there with me.  I think neither of us are 100% clear on exactly how much he will participate, except that it will all be my decision. 

I want to play with another girls tits.  I want my tits to be played with by a girl.  I want to lick her pussy and suck on her clit while my PC fucks me.  I want to kiss the soft warm mouth of a girl.  I want to kiss my PC while he plays with my tits and she licks my pussy.

I've always been a little unsure.

I'm sure now.  So we are working towards making that happen.

There's only one teeny tiny reservation I have.  I plan to work through that and then we are set! 

Advice?  Suggestions?  Here I go!!!!!!!!!


Thursday, July 29, 2010

HNT Outdoors

There's really nothing quite like the sun on your bare skin.

Happy HNT Lovelies!

Go share the love at Osbasso's Place

Thursday, July 22, 2010

HNT - Vacation is Over

Vacation is over.

It was truly amazing!  I spent 4 days with my PC at this lovely resort.

It was the most relaxing place ever and he saw to it that I was very well taken care of.  I feel very spoiled and loved and I hated to come home.

This week my girls and I decided that we'd all do HNT photos of............the girls.  Mine are much more tan (and slightly red) than they were a week ago.  And have had more attention in the last week than I could have ever hoped for.  :)

This is them on the way home.

Happy HNT y'all.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

All Tied Up at the Moment

I know I'm supposed to do HNT......and I want to.....but my mind is on all kinds of other things. (See previous post!)

Hoping this satisfies for now........

Our theme this week is......toes

Happy HNT guys!


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

My Va-jay-jay is Going International

That's right. 

Tomorrow I'm having my very first ever Brazillian Wax.

I'm nervous and excited all at the same time!

Wish me and my naughty bits good luck!


Monday, July 12, 2010

So Glad He's Back

My PC is back in town for a few days.  He leaves again on Thursday.  But yesterday we got to spend a little time together.

We spent the first hour or so reaquainting ourselves with each others' bodies.  Loving and tender and loving......followed by demanding and needy and lustful.

After he helped me clean the cum off my face and chest we talked for awhile - catching up a bit.

He mentioned in passing a trip he may be planning - with his wife and some friends, but without his kids.  In the 2 1/2 years we've been together he hasn't done that.  And I'm not sure what to make of it.  For now I have said to him that I don't like it but I'm not ready to talk about it.

We leave in 6 days for our own vacation.  We'll have plenty of time to talk then.

For now....I'm just so glad he's home for a bit.


Friday, July 9, 2010

Baring All Again

Too much has happened since I wrote here last and I don't feel like filling in all of the blanks.  I'd rather just start where I am now.

But I feel the need to bare my heart, soul, and thoughts somewhere.

PC has been on vacation with his family all week.  That makes for a very hard week for me.  He's been great though and has stayed in touch as best as he can.  Including 2 nights in a row having more than a 2 hour conversation before falling asleep.  I'm glad for that.  And still hate that he's on vacation with them.

He is STILL on vacation next week.  Just in a different place.

But then....
I'm meeting him at the airport when he flies in from family vacation and we are headed on our own vacation!


4 full days of just me and him

We need this.
I need this.

Ok what else is going on..........
 ~ I've been spending a lot of time with some girlfriends online - I'm damn lucky!
 ~ I'm about to have my first brazillian wax - I'm excited and terrified all at once
 ~ It was exactly one year ago that I moved out.  No divorce yet - but in the next month or so it will be finished.
 ~ I want to have sex with a girl

Ok I'm done.  This is a pretty decent start back I think.  Not that anyone is reading anymore.  But I want to have some of this in writing for ME.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Blowing Away the Cobwebs

I've retyped this first line at least 10 times. It feels weird to be back here.

I have 3 very lovely and sexy girlfriends and the 4 of us decided that it was time to bring sexy back HNT style. It's amazing how easy it is to forget that we are beautiful and sexy and that any man would be lucky to have us.

So with that said.... I'm blowing away the cobwebs here at A Double Dos

Lips can be so sexy....
I have a tendency to bite mine when I'm nervous...or intense. 
And I love when PC bites them when he's kissing me....or sucks them into his.
I love that they can bring much pleasure.
Yes....lips can be so sexy.

Especially the lips of these three girls.

Happy HNT!  I hope you have a day of sexy! 

Be sure to check out the other sexy bloggers at


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Finally Feeling Heard

Several of you have been very angry on my behalf.  I have been too hurt to be angry.

Until last Friday.  I got very angry.  I spent a good part of the weekend talking to k and figuring out what I needed to do about this anger.  It was going to eat me alive if I didn't do something about it.

PC knows me pretty well.  Ok...he knows me very well.  Sometimes better than I know myself.  He knew I was upset.  To his credit he skipped his Starbucks and book Monday morning and came straight to work so we could talk.

It is normally in my nature to keep things to myself.  I don't express my hurt or anger.  I push it down.  But because #1 I feel like I will lose everything if I don't speak up; #2 PC has encouraged me to say everything - he wants to hear it; and #3 k has really encouraged me to stand up for myself - I spoke up.

I told him everything.  I told him the reasons I was angry.  I told him how I was hurt.  I told him I felt like I was unimportant, like an afterthought.  I told him I was scared to trust him.  I told him all of my fears and anxieties.

And do you know what he did?

He heard me.  For the first time in all of this I really felt heard and understood and loved.

Nothing with his situation has changed.  I still do not agree with how he is handling a lot of things.  But it is incredible what just feeling like he hears me and cares does for me.

I feel like he is truly making an effort to show me he loves me.  We talked about how love is more than saying the words. (I heard somewhere one time - or one hundred - that Love is an Action Word)  He agreed that his actions didn't match his words.  He promised to do a better job of making his love for me into action.

So I feel like we are in a better place.  I spent 2 hours in his arms this afternoon.  There aren't words to express how wonderful that was or how much I needed that.

There will be "down" times I have no doubt.  But today I am enjoying the "up" and keeping it in perspective.


Friday, April 16, 2010

One Step Forward....Two Steps Back

It all happens so fast I can't keep this blog updated with all of it.

My heart gets shattered and he heals it. Then it gets stepped on and he picks it up and dusts it off. And on and on and on.....

His story is not for me to share with you here. This is about my story.

And today in my story, I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad. I feel unloved and unappreciated. I feel unimportant. I feel used.

Ya know what? If I told him all of that he'd apologize and try to make it up to me. But I don't want him to make it up to me.

I want things to be the way they used to be when I could count on him.

I want.......fuck I don't know..........I just know I'm so hurt and so exhausted that I don't want THIS. Whatever THIS is.....I don't want it anymore.

It is one step forward and two steps don't get very far like that.


Saturday, April 10, 2010


I had the day off yesterday. So early in the week he suggested maybe we could have lunch and talk some more on Friday.

He came to my house. We were sitting on opposite sides of the room just talking. He came over to me and kissed me. I just melt when he kisses me. I can't even think straight anymore when he does that. The whole world is just me and him.

I wanted this. I wanted us to just go back to being us. There are a lot of complicated parts to us - but back to normal is what we know - it is what we can handle, what we can deal with.

What I did NOT want was to think we were okay only to have him go back next week to saying that we can't be us anymore. So I stopped him.....ok sorta stopped him. His hands were still busy and our faces were less than an inch apart, but I did ask him to please not do this if he was going to go back to this not being okay tomorrow or next week.

He said he was sure he wanted this but if I didn't then we could stop. Um....hello......

We didn't stop.

I can't say that the hard stuff is over - but I am sure that he loves me.....and I love him.

I have immense respect for him. I know that it is so hard to work on a marriage with someone who blames you for everything. I've been there. But he has to give it another shot or he will not be able to look himself in the mirror and be proud of who he is.

Bottom line is.......I love him and I want him to be happy. He needs to do this. I am just so happy that he still wants me.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fighting Not To Lose Him

Boy has it been a long long week! Feels like MUCH more than a week has passed.

I really don't even know where to begin. PC is confused. He wants - like so many of us - to have it all. He wants to work on his marriage. He wants to have me. He wants all of that to just work smoothly and fluidly together.

Right now it isn't. For either of us. We have had some really good conversations though. Where I am usually a person who keeps my own thoughts to myself in order to let him have what he wants....I couldn't do that anymore. My heart hurt too badly. I was already losing everything, I figured I couldn't possibly make things any worse.

And so I said what I thought. And how I felt. And what I believed to be true. I challenged him on some of the things he told me. I fought for him.  I fought for US.

Did I win?

I don't know yet. But at least I haven't lost completely.

I still can't believe I said some of the things I said to him. Gosh I was brazen....who do I think I am? Sheesh!

There simply aren't words for how much I love and respect this man. I can't lose him.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Even a Double Dose Isn't Enough Today

Do you remember the promise he asked me to make?  The one about not letting myself assume the worst?


I don't have a lot to say today.  This picture sums up may day pretty well.

He wants to remain friends, but says we can't be lovers anymore.  He has to remain faithful to his wife.

I'm sure I'll have plenty to say about that soon. 

But today...... 

Today I miss the ability to lose myself in images of us on that sailboat. 

Today I feel like my heart has been ripped out and set on fire.

Today I am sick at my stomach and can't even begin to get the tears to stop.

Today I'm kicking myself for believing in US.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

A Reprieve from the Insanity

Friday my calm was pretty much gone after learning PC had been told to get his stuff out of the house or he would come home to it on the lawn.

It was a rough day for him. I guess he was feeling lonely and sad, and really can you blame him? He asked me to come watch the March Madness games with him. His college was playing and he wanted me to come watch it with him. Of course I agreed. I think at that point I would have done anything he asked of me.

I decided that I would just follow his lead, but was 100% ready to meet him to watch the game and nothing else. I had no expectations of making out. I had no expectations of sex. I figured he needed a friend, someone to be there so he wasn't alone, someone to talk to. I was absolutely thrilled that I was able to be there for him.

After dropping my kids off at their dad's house I headed to the hotel he was spending the weekend in. I walked in and gave him a big hug. I looked around quickly and was pretty impressed with the hotel - was more like a suite...bedroom, living room, bathroom, kitchen. We sat down on the couch. The game had already gotten underway.

He sat with his arm sort of around me but also sort of on the couch. We talked a little about stuff going on with my kids but mostly just watched the game. At one point he leaned over and kissed me gently. He said he was glad I had come to see him. After a bit his hand sort of slowly moved down to my breast and then back off. I didn't want him to think that I expected anything at all and so I didn't encourage it at all.

And then it was half time. He pulled me really close to him and began kissing me like only he can do. I can't even begin to tell you guys how amazing it was to be with him like that. He just has a way of ripping away the entire world and making me feel like the only person in the world. I couldn't think about anything. I was just completely and totally surrounded by him.

He picked me up and carried me into the bedroom and laid me down on the bed. He kissed me more and then removed my clothes and his clothes. (Remember I'm following HIS lead - I was not going to remove my clothes unless he specifically asked me to.) He wasted no time and immediately plunged deep into me. Aaahhhh soooo perfect. I had missed him SO MUCH! This was perfect - it was exactly what I needed and apparently what he needed as well.

I'll spare you all the details but we made love and all of time stopped for awhile. After a bit of time it seemed like he was past the gentle love making and got a little more rough and we had a bit of fun that way.

And then the phone rang......

So he talked to each of his kids and then to his wife while I sat quietly in the other room.

When he came back to me we just layed together naked. Eventually he started talking. He needed to say a lot of what had been going on. Needed I think to process some of it out loud. Needed to think out loud about what was next. I just listened. Sometimes I asked questions to clarify. I bit my tongue and kept my thoughts and opinions to myself. As you can imagine, that was not easy. But it was necessary.

Around 10pm he decided he wanted ice cream, so we got dressed and went to get ice cream. He talked more as we were in the car. I listened more. When we got back to the hotel we sat and talked a little more. Around 11:30 I left.

Leaving was the hardest part. For the first time all night it felt hard and awkward and I didn't know what to say. So I didn't say anything. I just left. I cried once I was in my car.

My heart breaks for what he's going through...and that I can't really do anything to make any of it better.

It was amazing to get to see him though. I felt like a piece of my soul was back in place.

The night was fabulous....but the hard stuff is not over. It was a nice reprieve though.


Friday, March 26, 2010

Broken Hearts

I don't have much to say today.  My calm from yesterday is disappearing rapidly.

She has asked PC to move out of the house.

My heart is absolutely broken for him.  It is pure torture to watch someone you love in so much pain.

His heart is broken.  This is not what he wanted.

Her heart is broken.  She did not ask for this.

Today is a harder day.


Thursday, March 25, 2010


The last two days have been improvements for PC and me. Tuesday was a hard day but with lots of really good things coming out of our conversations. Yesterday was even better. And finally we had decided to meet for lunch today. It has been 3 weeks since we've seen each other. I was excited, but reserved as Pocket Secrets cautioned that things could change and to please don't get my hopes up too high.

Well things did change. At 4:40 this morning he sent me an email that he had not yet been to bed because all hell had broken loose at home and not only did he need to cancel lunch, but he probably wouldn't be in the office to talk today either.

I'm disappointed. But more than that I'm worried about him. Worried about what's going on at his house today….and what happened last night. I'm not freaking out though.

Ok maybe I'm freaking out a teeny tiny bit - but not like I would have before we talked on Tuesday. I feel somewhat ok with where he and I are.

Today I am working hard to make the effort to stay calm….to stay reasonable….to remember he loves me.

Today I am focusing on only the things I have control over.

Today I am in the Caribbean on a sailboat with him. Today I am sunbathing on the deck of the boat. Today I am watching the water, the clouds, the sunset, him. Today I am hundreds of miles away from all of the things that come between us.

Today and every day he is in my heart and I am in his. We will get through this. We will be ok. This is not forever. This is just a chapter in our journey, this is not the ending place for us.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A Wall

I'm so sorry to have been so quiet for a bit.  I really just feel totally overwhelmed by life right now.

Things are somewhat back to normal and yet they aren't.  I haven't seen him in 3 weeks.  I don't expect to be seeing him for awhile longer.  It is, however, nice to be able to talk to him a little more.  He is finally over the horrible H1N1 flu and so I can tell he is handling all the rest of the stuff much better because of it.

k bare commented on my last post that she thought I should not be silent.  I believe her exact words were "fuck silence".  I have been thinking about that.  I'm not sure exactly where I am with it - but it is definitely rolling around in my head a lot right now.

A lot has changed in the last month.  I'm still trying to put my finger on it exactly.  I think it comes down to fear for me.  We had an incident a week before all hell broke loose.  An incident that left us each needing from each other the exact opposite.  He needed space, time, just for a day.  I needed him close, reassuring, immediately.  But he spoke first, and in my hurt and fear and sadness, I didn't speak up about what I needed.  I stepped away silently for that day.  When we talked about it later, it was abundantly clear to me that a whole new set of walls that had never been there before had suddenly gone up.  There was not time to deal with that before his wife found his cell phone.

The result it seems, is that my walls are built higher and stronger than they have ever been in our relationship.  He does not have the ability to deal with those walls right now - he has to deal with his family.

And so things are very different now.  Maybe it is a good different.  Maybe it isn't.  I'm pretty sure he is still too self involved (which at the moment he should be) to even be able to see that they are there.

The wall is built and is growing daily.  It isn't insurmountable - but it is getting bigger.  I am afraid to stop building it.  I am more afraid of him not tearing it back down.


Monday, March 15, 2010


We had plans for one night this week. He was going to cook for me. We were going sit outside and look at the stars. He was going to let me kneel next to him. I was going to be collared. We were going to make love.

Instead I am sitting home alone. I am aching for him. I am lonely. I am hurting. I am sad.



I survived the weekend.  I spent a lot of time in his shirt.  I needed to be there.  I did things I knew he'd want me to do.  I tried not to think about what was going on.  I spent a lot of time with my memories of us.  I reread emails. I stayed busy.  I kept moving.

Monday is here and I did get to IM with him briefly.  As I had been afraid of, him being sick made things harder than they already were.  His wife does not deal with him being sick very well.  She gets angry at him.

His family tells him he should take this as his chance to leave her.  His close friends say the same thing.  His wife's family knows he should be leaving and hopes he won't.  Anyway - that's the cliff notes version.  His is not my story to tell.

It was hard to talk to him this morning and not beg him to leave her for a happier life for him and his kids.  I would never ask him to leave her and come to me.  For me, the two need to not be connected.  I am not divorcing X so that I can be with PC.  But I do believe (like his family does) that he and his kids would be happier if he left.  I know it would be a long journey - one I'm on myself - and I know it would be a hard journey - but I do believe he'd be happier.

But I can't say that to him.  What he wants is for his family to stay together.  What I want is for him to be happy and to have what he wants.  So, whether or not I like his choice, he has my complete support.

A large part of what I'm doing right now is staying silent. I have to believe that he knows how I feel.  I cannot keep reminding him right now.  He doesn't need that distraction.

Loving him in silence is the best thing I can do for him right now.  And so I am.  I just wish I could do more.


Friday, March 12, 2010


I'm not really even sure where to begin today.  But I know I need to write.

I feel so alone right now.  I know I'm really not - but I feel that way.  I told PC that one time when things at home were so rough and I was really struggling and he promised me I would never be alone because I always had him no matter what.  So right now - not having him - makes me feel like I have this huge gaping whole in my soul.

He asked me Monday to make him 3 promises during all of this.  In a lot of ways it was unfair for him to do so.  He knows that there is nothing I would deny him.  He knows that all he has to do is wish for it and if it is within my ability to do so, I will make it happen.  He knows that even if I wanted to - I could not tell him "no".  And he asked me anyway.

The first thing he asked I thought was a bit ridiculous.  He has been helping me plan a trip for me and my kids for this summer.  Not a trip he would join us on obviously.  But he was getting so much pleasure from helping me find the right place to stay, decide on activities, plan all the little details.  He was waiting anxiously for me to tell my kids where we were going and wanted pictures of their excitement.  He made me promise that I would keep planning the trip, let him help where he could, but not to give up the vacation.  He said he hadn't been doing it for himself, or even for me, but that he loved my kids and he wanted them to have this and he didn't want me to stop just because things were crazy right now.

What in the world was he thinking?  I mean seriously!  His whole world is in upheaval and he's asking me to keep planning this vacation as if nothing had changed.  He's just like that - and still it catches me off guard sometimes.  So while I haven't actually done anything more than put a little more money into my savings account, I'm trying to keep this promise to him.

The second thing he asked was not as absurd.  In fact it made good sense.  He asked me to let him have some space to deal with this stuff and for it to be ok for us not to see each other for a bit.  He needs space, I want to give him what he needs.  It is hard.  I find myself struggling with this one as the days pass. Not so much because I want to see him so badly (although I do want to see him so bad it hurts), but because I just want to TALK to him.  I want to hear his voice.  I want to know how he is.  So however hard it is - I am doing what he asked here.

The third thing he asked was for me to let myself go down the path of "the world is coming to an end".  It is a defense mechanism for me I think.  He recognizes it, he knows how to pull me out of it.  But he can't be here to pull me out of it right now and so I have to do my best to stay out of that frame of mind.  It is easier than it sounds.  I already know what the worst case scenario is - and it rips at my very core to even let my mind sit there for a moment or two.  Even a day without him in my life is unbearable.  But I'm doing the best I can.  I remind myself often during the day that he does NOT want me going there and I do my best to remind myself that this is not what he wants right now either.  But this is where we are and we'll make it through.

But right now, I feel so lonely and so very alone.  I miss my PC.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

I Miss My Best Friend

I miss my best friend.  That's pretty much where I am at the moment.  I am not letting myself think much about what is going to happen to US when the dust settles.  It is a promise I made him and I am doing everything I can to keep that promise.  Right now, I just really miss him as my friend.

My whole has been so flipped upside down in the last year.  There are 3 people who I give credit to keeping me sane.  A long time friend (HF), Pocket Secrets, and PC.  HF only knows bits and pieces of what's going on right now.  Pocket Secrets is on the other side of the country.  PC is my day in and day out steady rock to cling to.

So many days I was sure I would not make it through and he gently and lovingly coaxed me out of that dark place.  He has believed things for me that I could not at the time believe for myself.  I have depended so heavily on him.  And now he is completely inaccessible to me.

I know it is selfish of me.  My poor sweet baby is very sick AND dealing with hell at home.  And I'm whining because I need him for me. 

It rips at my very soul that I can do nothing for him.  And I need him.  I feel lost without him.

There is nothing I would love more right now than to be sitting with him on the dock watching the sailboats come in and out of the harbor....holding hands, laughing, and solving all the world's problems.

I just miss him.  A lot.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Welcome to A Double Dos Roller Coaster

We had had a bit of a rough week but had overcome it and ended the day with big smiles.  The next day was a bit of a quiet day, as he was pretty busy at work.  No matter how busy he was though he knew after the rough week we'd had it was important for us to stay connected.  So we chatted a bit throughout the day and he called on his way home just to hear my voice.  To the best of my knowledge we'd be heading into the weekend on a good note and I was happy.

My life is so stinkin complicated.....but I was happy.  He is my best friend, he is my steady rock, he is my lover.  For the purposes of this blog, we will call him my Prince Charming (PC).  And he really is.  He is incredible.  I won't bore you with all of that now - but you'll see if you stay with me.

I had no idea that when I went home happy on Thursday night and he went home happy on Thursday night that his world (and subsequently mine) would be forever changed.  See as perfect as he is for close as we much as we love each other....he is not really mine.  And Thursday night his wife discovered a text from me and went insane. 

Friday morning when PC got to work and logged onto IM he painted a picture of a nightmarish night for him.  His wife took a hammer to his cell phone, as well as his Kindle.  She was so mad she even hit him (ok not with the hammer but no doubt she thought about it).

My heart was broken.  He was so upset.  So distraught.  I would have given anything to take that away from him.  What hurt me the most was knowing that his pain was in part, my fault.  He won't hear of me blaming myself for this....but I do.

We only talked a few minutes that morning...a few excruciating minutes before he had to go and deal with the stuff at home.

That same day I filed for divorce.  Something that had been coming for awhile.  I've been separated since the summer.  Still....the act of actually filing was painful.  My soon to be exhusband (we'll call him X) is a good man and I do wish we had gone a different path.

The weekend was tourturous for me.  Not hearing from PC.  Not knowing how he was....what was going on.

Monday and Tuesday were more of the same.  But add to Monday that I was given some bad news regarding one of my kids and add to Tuesday that one of my other kids got in a lot of trouble.

Wednesday rolls around and I find out that PC has been tested positive for H1N1 flu.

That's when I decided that one dose of my Prozac is simply not going to be enough for me.  I need something more.  I need a place to vent, to get this stuff off my chest, whine, bitch, cry, and hopefully share my excitement as things get better.  Because they have to get better don't they? 

So join me on my roller coaster ride........