A Wall

I'm so sorry to have been so quiet for a bit.  I really just feel totally overwhelmed by life right now.

Things are somewhat back to normal and yet they aren't.  I haven't seen him in 3 weeks.  I don't expect to be seeing him for awhile longer.  It is, however, nice to be able to talk to him a little more.  He is finally over the horrible H1N1 flu and so I can tell he is handling all the rest of the stuff much better because of it.

k bare commented on my last post that she thought I should not be silent.  I believe her exact words were "fuck silence".  I have been thinking about that.  I'm not sure exactly where I am with it - but it is definitely rolling around in my head a lot right now.

A lot has changed in the last month.  I'm still trying to put my finger on it exactly.  I think it comes down to fear for me.  We had an incident a week before all hell broke loose.  An incident that left us each needing from each other the exact opposite.  He needed space, time, just for a day.  I needed him close, reassuring, immediately.  But he spoke first, and in my hurt and fear and sadness, I didn't speak up about what I needed.  I stepped away silently for that day.  When we talked about it later, it was abundantly clear to me that a whole new set of walls that had never been there before had suddenly gone up.  There was not time to deal with that before his wife found his cell phone.

The result it seems, is that my walls are built higher and stronger than they have ever been in our relationship.  He does not have the ability to deal with those walls right now - he has to deal with his family.

And so things are very different now.  Maybe it is a good different.  Maybe it isn't.  I'm pretty sure he is still too self involved (which at the moment he should be) to even be able to see that they are there.

The wall is built and is growing daily.  It isn't insurmountable - but it is getting bigger.  I am afraid to stop building it.  I am more afraid of him not tearing it back down.

xxx,
DD