Lonely

I'm not really even sure where to begin today.  But I know I need to write.

I feel so alone right now.  I know I'm really not - but I feel that way.  I told PC that one time when things at home were so rough and I was really struggling and he promised me I would never be alone because I always had him no matter what.  So right now - not having him - makes me feel like I have this huge gaping whole in my soul.

He asked me Monday to make him 3 promises during all of this.  In a lot of ways it was unfair for him to do so.  He knows that there is nothing I would deny him.  He knows that all he has to do is wish for it and if it is within my ability to do so, I will make it happen.  He knows that even if I wanted to - I could not tell him "no".  And he asked me anyway.

The first thing he asked I thought was a bit ridiculous.  He has been helping me plan a trip for me and my kids for this summer.  Not a trip he would join us on obviously.  But he was getting so much pleasure from helping me find the right place to stay, decide on activities, plan all the little details.  He was waiting anxiously for me to tell my kids where we were going and wanted pictures of their excitement.  He made me promise that I would keep planning the trip, let him help where he could, but not to give up the vacation.  He said he hadn't been doing it for himself, or even for me, but that he loved my kids and he wanted them to have this and he didn't want me to stop just because things were crazy right now.

What in the world was he thinking?  I mean seriously!  His whole world is in upheaval and he's asking me to keep planning this vacation as if nothing had changed.  He's just like that - and still it catches me off guard sometimes.  So while I haven't actually done anything more than put a little more money into my savings account, I'm trying to keep this promise to him.

The second thing he asked was not as absurd.  In fact it made good sense.  He asked me to let him have some space to deal with this stuff and for it to be ok for us not to see each other for a bit.  He needs space, I want to give him what he needs.  It is hard.  I find myself struggling with this one as the days pass. Not so much because I want to see him so badly (although I do want to see him so bad it hurts), but because I just want to TALK to him.  I want to hear his voice.  I want to know how he is.  So however hard it is - I am doing what he asked here.

The third thing he asked was for me to let myself go down the path of "the world is coming to an end".  It is a defense mechanism for me I think.  He recognizes it, he knows how to pull me out of it.  But he can't be here to pull me out of it right now and so I have to do my best to stay out of that frame of mind.  It is easier than it sounds.  I already know what the worst case scenario is - and it rips at my very core to even let my mind sit there for a moment or two.  Even a day without him in my life is unbearable.  But I'm doing the best I can.  I remind myself often during the day that he does NOT want me going there and I do my best to remind myself that this is not what he wants right now either.  But this is where we are and we'll make it through.

But right now, I feel so lonely and so very alone.  I miss my PC.

xxx
DD