Monday, March 15, 2010

Silence

I survived the weekend.  I spent a lot of time in his shirt.  I needed to be there.  I did things I knew he'd want me to do.  I tried not to think about what was going on.  I spent a lot of time with my memories of us.  I reread emails. I stayed busy.  I kept moving.

Monday is here and I did get to IM with him briefly.  As I had been afraid of, him being sick made things harder than they already were.  His wife does not deal with him being sick very well.  She gets angry at him.

His family tells him he should take this as his chance to leave her.  His close friends say the same thing.  His wife's family knows he should be leaving and hopes he won't.  Anyway - that's the cliff notes version.  His is not my story to tell.

It was hard to talk to him this morning and not beg him to leave her for a happier life for him and his kids.  I would never ask him to leave her and come to me.  For me, the two need to not be connected.  I am not divorcing X so that I can be with PC.  But I do believe (like his family does) that he and his kids would be happier if he left.  I know it would be a long journey - one I'm on myself - and I know it would be a hard journey - but I do believe he'd be happier.

But I can't say that to him.  What he wants is for his family to stay together.  What I want is for him to be happy and to have what he wants.  So, whether or not I like his choice, he has my complete support.

A large part of what I'm doing right now is staying silent. I have to believe that he knows how I feel.  I cannot keep reminding him right now.  He doesn't need that distraction.

Loving him in silence is the best thing I can do for him right now.  And so I am.  I just wish I could do more.

xxx,
DD

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