Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Several of you have been very angry on my behalf. I have been too hurt to be angry.
Until last Friday. I got very angry. I spent a good part of the weekend talking to k and figuring out what I needed to do about this anger. It was going to eat me alive if I didn't do something about it.
PC knows me pretty well. Ok...he knows me very well. Sometimes better than I know myself. He knew I was upset. To his credit he skipped his Starbucks and book Monday morning and came straight to work so we could talk.
It is normally in my nature to keep things to myself. I don't express my hurt or anger. I push it down. But because #1 I feel like I will lose everything if I don't speak up; #2 PC has encouraged me to say everything - he wants to hear it; and #3 k has really encouraged me to stand up for myself - I spoke up.
I told him everything. I told him the reasons I was angry. I told him how I was hurt. I told him I felt like I was unimportant, like an afterthought. I told him I was scared to trust him. I told him all of my fears and anxieties.
And do you know what he did?
He heard me. For the first time in all of this I really felt heard and understood and loved.
Nothing with his situation has changed. I still do not agree with how he is handling a lot of things. But it is incredible what just feeling like he hears me and cares does for me.
I feel like he is truly making an effort to show me he loves me. We talked about how love is more than saying the words. (I heard somewhere one time - or one hundred - that Love is an Action Word) He agreed that his actions didn't match his words. He promised to do a better job of making his love for me into action.
So I feel like we are in a better place. I spent 2 hours in his arms this afternoon. There aren't words to express how wonderful that was or how much I needed that.
There will be "down" times I have no doubt. But today I am enjoying the "up" and keeping it in perspective.
Friday, April 16, 2010
My heart gets shattered and he heals it. Then it gets stepped on and he picks it up and dusts it off. And on and on and on.....
His story is not for me to share with you here. This is about my story.
And today in my story, I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad. I feel unloved and unappreciated. I feel unimportant. I feel used.
Ya know what? If I told him all of that he'd apologize and try to make it up to me. But I don't want him to make it up to me.
I want things to be the way they used to be when I could count on him.
I want.......fuck I don't know..........I just know I'm so hurt and so exhausted that I don't want THIS. Whatever THIS is.....I don't want it anymore.
It is one step forward and two steps back....you don't get very far like that.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
He came to my house. We were sitting on opposite sides of the room just talking. He came over to me and kissed me. I just melt when he kisses me. I can't even think straight anymore when he does that. The whole world disappears.....it is just me and him.
I wanted this. I wanted us to just go back to being us. There are a lot of complicated parts to us - but back to normal is what we know - it is what we can handle, what we can deal with.
What I did NOT want was to think we were okay only to have him go back next week to saying that we can't be us anymore. So I stopped him.....ok sorta stopped him. His hands were still busy and our faces were less than an inch apart, but I did ask him to please not do this if he was going to go back to this not being okay tomorrow or next week.
He said he was sure he wanted this but if I didn't then we could stop. Um....hello......
We didn't stop.
I can't say that the hard stuff is over - but I am sure that he loves me.....and I love him.
I have immense respect for him. I know that it is so hard to work on a marriage with someone who blames you for everything. I've been there. But he has to give it another shot or he will not be able to look himself in the mirror and be proud of who he is.
Bottom line is.......I love him and I want him to be happy. He needs to do this. I am just so happy that he still wants me.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I really don't even know where to begin. PC is confused. He wants - like so many of us - to have it all. He wants to work on his marriage. He wants to have me. He wants all of that to just work smoothly and fluidly together.
Right now it isn't. For either of us. We have had some really good conversations though. Where I am usually a person who keeps my own thoughts to myself in order to let him have what he wants....I couldn't do that anymore. My heart hurt too badly. I was already losing everything, I figured I couldn't possibly make things any worse.
And so I said what I thought. And how I felt. And what I believed to be true. I challenged him on some of the things he told me. I fought for him. I fought for US.
Did I win?
I don't know yet. But at least I haven't lost completely.
I still can't believe I said some of the things I said to him. Gosh I was brazen....who do I think I am? Sheesh!
There simply aren't words for how much I love and respect this man. I can't lose him.